“She’s thirteen. She has hormones raging, new emotions swirling. She feels grown up but has so little power to make her own choices. She’s small in a big world. She’s big in a small world. It’s a hard place to be.” I know that. I try to remind myself that. I try to breathe and give her space and grace.
My head can practice all of those thoughts. I can repeat over and over again that it’s not personal. That she doesn’t mean it. That this will pass. And no matter how many times I am able to use those thoughts to form a shield of protection around myself, I’m always surprised by the force of it when one of the thrown punches breaks through my defenses and lands. Ouch. Smack in the heart.
An unkind word that cuts far more than I’d like it to. The tone, that sharp, edgy tone that has so much venom that it seeps through my protective clothing. The darts that are fired from hard set, soft blue eyes. Most days I can dodge it like a master. Like a kung fu warrior, I bend so that none of what it coming at me has a chance to touch me. Even if it reaches me, it doesn’t get to stick. Two steps (and thirty years) ahead, I remain safe.
Today was not one of those days.
This morning, there was a break in my shield of protection, and some of the mean got through. All of the knowledge in my head seemed to be unable to protect my heart. My best defenses just weren’t good enough. (I blame it on the gluten- stupid, delicious almond bear claws got my reflexes all slowed down.)
All the way into my heart, I felt the hurt. Shocked that it went that deep, stunned and surprised that I was unable to shake it off, it had me stumbling for my balance. “Breathe in. She’s thirteen. She’s full of raging hormones. She doesn’t mean it. Breathe out.” It seemed no use. The impact was felt, and the bruise begin to develop. Dark purple blue. Colors that, if not slowly shading my heart, would make a beautiful painting. But today the canvas is my heart, and the colors don’t seem quite so beautiful.
“She’s thirteen. This will pass. She doesn’t mean it.” And soon the bruise will fade.