A Gift

I know it’s an odd thing, and to some it probably seems bordering on disturbed, but I’ve decided that sharing someone’s last days on earth are a gift. The thought of walking someone home, sitting at their bedside and talking to them and praying over them and loving them well until their last breath, I love it.

Some of the most precious, most beautiful moments of my life have been spent in hospital and hospice rooms. Combing my Granny’s hair as I sang hymns of praise, crawling in mom’s hospital bed and letting her rest her frail body against my chest, reading scripture to my mother-in-law as she lie in a critical care unit- these are some of the greatest treasures of my life. When others feel uncomfortable and need to look away, I’ve been called to lean in.

The last ten days of my mom’s life, I wanted desperately to be at her bedside. With her unable to speak, paralyzed on the right side, even then, I felt the preciousness of the moments I was being offered. I didn’t know if it would be months or days, but I knew those shared breaths between us, they would write a story on my heart.

As others felt an anxiousness and discomfort in seeing Mommy that way, I could see the beauty in it. Her physical condition wasn’t good, but the condition of our hearts was lovely. I can’t quite explain it, the peace of sharing those moments.

People often say that God will equip the called. I’m beginning to think that He is calling me to end of life care- a place where hugs are needed, prayers are said and peace in facing the next steps make the journey of those going, and those left behind, seem a little easier.

For now, I’ll wait, cherishing the recent memories of my time with Mom. And maybe the Lord will decide that this gift He’s given, it’s only a gift to be used with those I know and love. Whatever it turns out to be, I am grateful for the moments I’ve been able to use it and the way it feels like a blessing to me.

Boss Me Around

I look at all these young adults in my life, chomping at the bit to be grown. They all are anxiously awaiting the day they will have full autonomy over their lives with no one telling them what to do or when to be where. They can’t wait to be the boss.

I remember. I remember what it was like to feel so powerless in your own life, with the whole world waiting before you. Knowing what you wanted and having obstacles (namely your youth and stupid adults) stand in the way. It was a hard place to be. The limitless potential and seemingly so many things between it and you.

And yet, here is what they don’t know. They don’t know that once you’re an adult, there will be days when you crave the simplicity of having someone wiser and more experienced telling you what to do. They don’t know that having “all the power” that they think awaits them often means still being powerless to do the things that need done. Watching children or friends drive head on into disaster, recognizing it, but not being able to do anything to divert their path; dealing with aging parents that won’t be moved from their stubborn position and take steps to help themselves or plan hard things; witnessing your body fail you in ways you can’t wrap your mind around because, aren’t you still as young as your mind feels?- these are the things that aren’t on the radar of those young people. These are the things which, even when they have gained all the power of adulthood, they don’t know how small they’ll feel in the presence of.

They cry out for independence, craving control. The grown, the middle-aged, we cry out for help, wanting someone to take over and “handle it.” With so many forks in the road, it’s easy to find yourself spinning in circles. And with so many places you’re needed to be, you find yourself fractured, not feeling like you are able to be wholly where you should/want/need.

Neither place is easy. Being human, in a broken world with our broken selves, it’s hard. But today, from where I’m standing, more than halfway through this life, I sure wish someone older and wiser would come along and boss me around!